Random thoughts from a tired brain...

It’s a curious thing, taking a stand. As a Christian, I am taught to ‘turn the other cheek’, and I do, I think. There have certainly been plenty of times when I have held my tongue instead of saying what is on my mind, and possibly even more times when I have wished that the Old Testament ‘eye for an eye’ still applied. I do suit the ‘turn the other cheek’ mentality far more though, I dare say.

Though I do believe in the whole ‘turn the other cheek’ thing, I do still believe that we are supposed to stand up for ourselves, the people that are important to us, our beliefs. I have been told numerous times that I am – and I quote – “too nice” (if there is such a thing). I have been told that I need to toughen up with regards to certain people, and even a couple of weeks ago – following an incident I still have no real desire to talk about so will mention no further – my flatmate told me that I don’t stand up for myself enough. That could be true. And the reality of that means that I will probably spend the rest of my life having certain kinds of people taking advantage of that fact, pushing because they know that I am unlikely to push back and quite possibly I will spend the rest of my life looking for the good in people that just don’t have it in them.

One of the problems with taking a stand, I suppose, is that it is all relative – what is perfectly acceptable to you may be highly offensive to someone else. And, indeed, how do you know that whatever is causing you to take a stand isn’t actually something that you should just be ignoring? It could just be that you are having an ‘off’ day and maybe the next day you would have just dismissed whatever it is entirely. Or maybe you just have a penchant for the dramatic, are attention seeking or just overly sensitive. Maybe whatever the problem is perceived to be isn’t really a problem at all.

On the surface, taking a stand would always seem to be a good idea – no one should allow themselves to be walked over – but sometimes a little bit of perspective can go a long way. Sometimes taking a stand can make things worse – surely the opposite of the intended result – and not just for you - a fact that over the last 5 or 6 months, I can personally attest to. Taking a stand for the wrong reasons – attention, or just to cause trouble, for instance – certainly would be hard to justify. As Governor Swann says in Pirates of the Caribbean, “Even a good decision if made for the wrong reasons can be a wrong decision.”

As is true with so many things, it is a case of picking your battles, an idea that can be far trickier than it sounds. Even more so because, unfortunately, taking a stand isn’t something that can be done in retrospect – although hindsight would be an invaluable tool, taking a stand a few months down the line is unlikely to be effective. Indeed, that could explain why I am sometimes reluctant to stand up for myself. It is fair to say that I am not the most spontaneous of people (case in point, my last true act of spontaneity was a couple of years ago when I booked a trip to LA about a week before I flew out. The fact that in 25 years that is the only example I can think of offhand is evidence enough to support my statement) and I am prone to think over a decision thoroughly before I do anything – overthink, in most cases – which does not really lend itself to the act of ‘taking a stand’. The window of opportunity is likely to have shut far before I have reached a decision.

There may come a time when I will decide that enough is enough, there may even come a time when I will just end up going postal (they do say it’s always the quiet ones…), though I would hope not, but for now, I am who I am. I think it is just in my nature to believe there is something good in everyone, and I don’t think I am the type of girl who will ever particularly want to draw attention to myself, so, though I probably do need to be more willing to stand up for myself - and that is by no means a bad thing - on reflection, I would rather be that nice guy (or girl, in my case) that finishes last than know that I have trodden on, used and abused people to get where I want. I would rather be towards the bottom of the heap but knowing that I can look back and not be ashamed of what I have done and how I have treated people, than be on top but full of guilt and shame. Maybe that just equates to a lack of ambition, but if that’s what ambition is, I am happy to be without it.

Love & respect

Darkest
x

I never thought you'd be a junkie because heroin is so passe....

“In laboratory studies, scientists have learnt that when it comes to love, a very tiny portion of the brain is actually involved. For example, friendship lights up receptors all over the cerebral cortex, but this isn’t true with love, which activates part of the brain more commonly associated with emotional responses like fear and anger. The brain of a person in love will show activity in the amygdala, which is associated with gut feelings, and in the nucleus accumbens, an area associated with rewarding stimuli that tends to be active in drug abusers. Or, to recap: the brain of a person in love doesn’t look like the brain of a person overcome by deep emotion. It looks like the brain of a person who’s been snorting coke.”From House Rules by Jodi Picoult (p458)

Interesting, huh?
Even though this is taken from fiction, even without research I had very little doubt that it is true. Apart from anything else, Jodi Picoult does her research. Given the subjects of her books, she needs too. And even aside from that, it just seems to make sense. Harsh, maybe. And 5 or 6 years ago, I might have needed more convincing of this. Fact is though, I was intrigued, so I did a quick Google search, but even without actually having to open any of the articles, the answer was yes, the brain of a person in love does look similar to the brain of a person using drugs. And on this point, I will slap my wrist. Usually I am VERY into researching, causing a friend I hadn’t known for very long to ask me while we were talking on msn “So what are you researching today?”. I have spent literally 3 or 4 hours researching the inspiration behind just one song
(The Colliers by Seth Lakeman, which turned out to be a very interesting evening of research as it is about the Gresford mining disaster in 1934.) It is rare that I don’t have a list of things I want to research, and if I am online, chances are I’ll be researching something. If my friends want to know something, they ask me to research it because they know research is…my thing, I guess. So, yes. Laziness, maybe. Or maybe it is just because it doesn’t feel like I NEED to research this one. It just makes sense. That said, my mind is curious and I don’t like leaving something unfinished so I will research it properly. For now though, I feel like it holds up its own weight.
I know, it isn’t quite the romantic portrayal we would all have in mind. It is far nicer to think
of someone in love as something else entirely. I don’t think anyone in love would want to think that they could be compared with a coke addict. It isn’t the most flattering portrayal. But,
ladies and gentleman, the facts speak for themselves. And if you’re truly honest, completely
honest, it does kind of make sense, doesn’t it? Like I said, 5 or 6 years ago I may not have been so quick to agree with this, but with time, distance and hindsight, I can see it far more clearly in
myself during my last relationship. It isn’t just in me I see it either. I am in the unique position of being single amongst pretty much all of my friends,and as a definite outsider, I can see it in some of their relationships too.
Now, don’t get me wrong. I know I sound incredibly cynical about this, but I am not against love
at all, I’m really not. It just struck me as kind of interesting. Even despite the whole drug-user brain thing, I know that love can bring out the best in some people. But on the other scale of
the spectrum, it can also bring out the complete worst. It can also put people somewhere in the
middle, but hey, that isn’t as dramatic. I have friends, for instance, who positively glow when they are with their partners, whose relationships have absolutely brought out the best of
them and who spread their happiness with minimal effort (because it is true, a smile is infectious). On the other hand, I know people who have near-completely changed since they began their relationships, who have almost lost themselves in their relationships even. Something akin to drowning. And the sad fact is, these people rarely want to be saved (to quote Pearl Jam, “No way to save someone who won’t take the rope and just lets go). I have also seen
people willingly lose their identity and just succumb to every opinion their partner has, out of insecurity I suppose. An example of that would be one of my friends who mentioned something about Tinie Tempah being not very good (I have to say, I’m not entirely sure who Tinie Tempah is, but I think he’s a British rapper or singer or some such) and his girlfriend got annoyed because she likes this Tinie Tempah guy, and…well, long story short, I guess my friend isn’t
allowed an opinion anymore. At least not one that differs from hers. Not surprisingly, this chick is a bit of an attention seeking drama queen from what I can tell.

I will admit, my experience of love is limited and in all honesty, probably not the best experience to judge anything from, though it was certainly good while it lasted. But I truly believe a relationship, and being in love, should bring out the best in someone (and I’ve got a feeling I’ve said this before but I think it still stands true), not the worst. It shouldn’t be about compromising your beliefs or opinions, but you should certainly be able to share your opinion knowing that your partner will respect that. It shouldn’t be about defending the person you love even if they are completely wrong, but it should instead bear an honesty that makes you call them on whatever it is when they are wrong…part of being in a mature relationship is surely being able to be honest with your partner when their behaviour is unfair. At least, to me it is. If I do
something wrong, I expect to be called on it. I WANT to be called on it, in fact. Maybe that’s just me. It shouldn’t be about abandoning previous friendships and spending all of your time with your partner, sacrificing the friendships you have built over the past x amount of years. Time apart isn’t necessarily a bad thing. It shouldn’t change who you are for the worst. Love
isn’t about doing everything your partner tells you to or letting them control your actions, thoughts, words. It isn’t supposed to be an act of brainwashing. I could go on. I understand the pull of relationships, I really do. I understand – and sympathise – with people who remain in an unsuitable relationship because being in a relationship is better than being alone (if you’ve seen School of Rock, think of Ned: “I may never have another girlfriend!”). I understand that it is sometimes easy to sacrifice your self-respect, your dignity, your time, your friendships, even
your future over a relationship that might not necessarily be the right one because much like a drug – I would imagine – it does have a tendancy to take over and the rose-tinted glasses are a far more pleasant choice than looking at the reality of the world and the relationship you are building (or drowning in).

I think Joanne Harris put it perfectly in her book, Blue Eyed Boy (page 340 if you’re interested):

“But love is a treacherous animal, a shape-shifter by nature, making the poor man king for a day; transforming the most volatile into paragons of stability; a crutch for the weak, a shield for the craven – at least, until the buzz wears off.”

And when the buzz DOES wear off? Well, it ain’t always so fun. A learning experience, maybe, but not necessarily a fun one. But like making the choice to swallow that pill or snort that powder, roll that joint or inject that drug cocktail, there is a reason that people come back for more. Because the lows…they truly are low, but the high is amazing. And if you’re one of
the lucky ones, you may never have to properly experience the crash and burn or you may recover in time for a new high…and then? Well, then it becomes worth the risk.

The awkward moment where you realise you forgot about your blog...

So.....anyone out there reading this, apologies. I forgot all about this little slice of the internet. I'm just going to carry on like that didn't happen and try to do better in the future...

Sooooo, another weekend gone. And this one was a three day one too. They always fly by. It's not like I even did anything really. I had a 1950's housewife vibe happening - I cleaned and I baked cookies. That is pretty much all I did. Feels like a bit of a wasted weekend all in all. Not that I didn't WANT to do anything, just sadly lacking in people to do things with these days, which makes me want to leave here more than ever. That is seeming less and less likely though. Why oh why did I have to be born in the UK?!

Anyway, this is just a quick one as I am need of beauty sleep, but I am going to do my best not to post here more often from now on! Hope you are having a great week.

Love and respect

darkest

x

Nothing much to say today....

So on with the 30 Day Music Challenge.

Day 1 - Your Favourite Song

Okay, this is a hard one as - like most people - I have many favourites. This is one of the first that psrung to mind though so I'll go with it...

Anberlin - Glass to the Arson. Enjoy!

Introduce Yourself...

(If you didn't read that out in the style of Faith No More, please listen to this then try again!)

Okay, so, it's rather unlikely but some of you may remember me from my previous blog, The Escape Plan of Darkest Red. And don't worry if you don't, it's my fault for being unmemorable. Anyway, if you never read that blog, or if you read it but can't really remember it - I know the feeling - the Escape Plan was the epic story of me escaping my small town life (think: your average Less Than Jake song)...okay, epic might be a bit of an exaggeration. It was more just my every day ramblings on my way to escaping small town life...

So the last time I posted was in 2007, I believe. I did escape my small town in 2006 and the 4 years since then...my boyfriend of 5 years and I broke up - his choice - and it took a very long time get over that, I have worked the same job, an administrator for a financial services company (NOT what I want to be doing) and that's pretty much it, to be honest. To sum up: everything I had hoped was going to happen in the last 4 years, frankly, hasn't.

And that has left me feeling a little lost. Pretty much all of my friends and family are in relationships and being the only single one is surprisingly isolating. If you are in a similar position, no doubt you will understand what I mean. If you are happily in a relationship, you probably won't have a clue but I do urge you to try and understand what it is like for any single friends you have.

Job-wise...well, I'm nearly 25 and I'm still doing a crappy, monotonous job that I hate. If I am going to spend the next 40 or so years having to work - and sadly, it looks like I won't be finding anyone willing to just give me money for no reason - I don't want to be doing a job I hate. I don't want a job that I'm just doing to pay the bills. I want something I can really sink my teeth into, something challenging (even my supervisor has pretty much admitted that I am wasted in my current role), something I like doing. I don't want just a "job". I want a career.

A career doing what, exactly, is the hard bit though.

Truth is, I'm nearly 25 and I have nothing to show for it. All of my friends have at least one thing

on track in their life - career/relationships/whatever - and I am the only one who is pretty much completely lost.

Anyway, I suppose I should have introduced myself properly, especially considering the title of the post.

For the purpose of this blog, my name is Darkest Red. You can call me either/or, I really don't mind! I am currently heading towards my 25th birthday, as already mentioned.

I am a Christian - don't hold that against me - but do not currently have a church I attend regularly. I like all the usual kind of things - movies, music, reading, writing. I'm pretty shy in general, although some people do have the tendancy to make me come out of my shell more.

I live with my ex boyfriend (*gasp*), although he spends pretty much all of his time with his new (or not-so-new now) girlfriend so I essentially live alone, in a flat with FAR too many spiders/insects for my liking. I am really not a fan.

Hmmmmm...not sure what else to say at the moment. I do think you can tell a lot about people by what songs they listen to though, so I thought it might be quite interesting if I do the 30 Day Music Challenge that has been on Facebook lately. I will start that tomorrow though, as it is late and I should be in bed.

Finally, I would like to promise that this blog won't just be me complaining all the time!

Good times, bad times...they all lead us where we're meant to be, right?

Here's hoping,

Love & respect

Darkest

x