“In laboratory studies, scientists have learnt that when it comes to love, a very tiny portion of the brain is actually involved. For example, friendship lights up receptors all over the cerebral cortex, but this isn’t true with love, which activates part of the brain more commonly associated with emotional responses like fear and anger. The brain of a person in love will show activity in the amygdala, which is associated with gut feelings, and in the nucleus accumbens, an area associated with rewarding stimuli that tends to be active in drug abusers. Or, to recap: the brain of a person in love doesn’t look like the brain of a person overcome by deep emotion. It looks like the brain of a person who’s been snorting coke.”From House Rules by Jodi Picoult (p458)
Interesting, huh?
Even though this is taken from fiction, even without research I had very little doubt that it is true. Apart from anything else, Jodi Picoult does her research. Given the subjects of her books, she needs too. And even aside from that, it just seems to make sense. Harsh, maybe. And 5 or 6 years ago, I might have needed more convincing of this. Fact is though, I was intrigued, so I did a quick Google search, but even without actually having to open any of the articles, the answer was yes, the brain of a person in love does look similar to the brain of a person using drugs. And on this point, I will slap my wrist. Usually I am VERY into researching, causing a friend I hadn’t known for very long to ask me while we were talking on msn “So what are you researching today?”. I have spent literally 3 or 4 hours researching the inspiration behind just one song
(The Colliers by Seth Lakeman, which turned out to be a very interesting evening of research as it is about the Gresford mining disaster in 1934.) It is rare that I don’t have a list of things I want to research, and if I am online, chances are I’ll be researching something. If my friends want to know something, they ask me to research it because they know research is…my thing, I guess. So, yes. Laziness, maybe. Or maybe it is just because it doesn’t feel like I NEED to research this one. It just makes sense. That said, my mind is curious and I don’t like leaving something unfinished so I will research it properly. For now though, I feel like it holds up its own weight.
I know, it isn’t quite the romantic portrayal we would all have in mind. It is far nicer to think
of someone in love as something else entirely. I don’t think anyone in love would want to think that they could be compared with a coke addict. It isn’t the most flattering portrayal. But,
ladies and gentleman, the facts speak for themselves. And if you’re truly honest, completely
honest, it does kind of make sense, doesn’t it? Like I said, 5 or 6 years ago I may not have been so quick to agree with this, but with time, distance and hindsight, I can see it far more clearly in
myself during my last relationship. It isn’t just in me I see it either. I am in the unique position of being single amongst pretty much all of my friends,and as a definite outsider, I can see it in some of their relationships too.
Now, don’t get me wrong. I know I sound incredibly cynical about this, but I am not against love
at all, I’m really not. It just struck me as kind of interesting. Even despite the whole drug-user brain thing, I know that love can bring out the best in some people. But on the other scale of
the spectrum, it can also bring out the complete worst. It can also put people somewhere in the
middle, but hey, that isn’t as dramatic. I have friends, for instance, who positively glow when they are with their partners, whose relationships have absolutely brought out the best of
them and who spread their happiness with minimal effort (because it is true, a smile is infectious). On the other hand, I know people who have near-completely changed since they began their relationships, who have almost lost themselves in their relationships even. Something akin to drowning. And the sad fact is, these people rarely want to be saved (to quote Pearl Jam, “No way to save someone who won’t take the rope and just lets go). I have also seen
people willingly lose their identity and just succumb to every opinion their partner has, out of insecurity I suppose. An example of that would be one of my friends who mentioned something about Tinie Tempah being not very good (I have to say, I’m not entirely sure who Tinie Tempah is, but I think he’s a British rapper or singer or some such) and his girlfriend got annoyed because she likes this Tinie Tempah guy, and…well, long story short, I guess my friend isn’t
allowed an opinion anymore. At least not one that differs from hers. Not surprisingly, this chick is a bit of an attention seeking drama queen from what I can tell.
I will admit, my experience of love is limited and in all honesty, probably not the best experience to judge anything from, though it was certainly good while it lasted. But I truly believe a relationship, and being in love, should bring out the best in someone (and I’ve got a feeling I’ve said this before but I think it still stands true), not the worst. It shouldn’t be about compromising your beliefs or opinions, but you should certainly be able to share your opinion knowing that your partner will respect that. It shouldn’t be about defending the person you love even if they are completely wrong, but it should instead bear an honesty that makes you call them on whatever it is when they are wrong…part of being in a mature relationship is surely being able to be honest with your partner when their behaviour is unfair. At least, to me it is. If I do
something wrong, I expect to be called on it. I WANT to be called on it, in fact. Maybe that’s just me. It shouldn’t be about abandoning previous friendships and spending all of your time with your partner, sacrificing the friendships you have built over the past x amount of years. Time apart isn’t necessarily a bad thing. It shouldn’t change who you are for the worst. Love
isn’t about doing everything your partner tells you to or letting them control your actions, thoughts, words. It isn’t supposed to be an act of brainwashing. I could go on. I understand the pull of relationships, I really do. I understand – and sympathise – with people who remain in an unsuitable relationship because being in a relationship is better than being alone (if you’ve seen School of Rock, think of Ned: “I may never have another girlfriend!”). I understand that it is sometimes easy to sacrifice your self-respect, your dignity, your time, your friendships, even
your future over a relationship that might not necessarily be the right one because much like a drug – I would imagine – it does have a tendancy to take over and the rose-tinted glasses are a far more pleasant choice than looking at the reality of the world and the relationship you are building (or drowning in).
I think Joanne Harris put it perfectly in her book, Blue Eyed Boy (page 340 if you’re interested):
“But love is a treacherous animal, a shape-shifter by nature, making the poor man king for a day; transforming the most volatile into paragons of stability; a crutch for the weak, a shield for the craven – at least, until the buzz wears off.”
And when the buzz DOES wear off? Well, it ain’t always so fun. A learning experience, maybe, but not necessarily a fun one. But like making the choice to swallow that pill or snort that powder, roll that joint or inject that drug cocktail, there is a reason that people come back for more. Because the lows…they truly are low, but the high is amazing. And if you’re one of
the lucky ones, you may never have to properly experience the crash and burn or you may recover in time for a new high…and then? Well, then it becomes worth the risk.
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